Disputes of a day, disputes always?

Come on, we breathe: aggressiveness and envy, normal in childhood, do not augur the future relationships. The hostilities generally fade around 15-16 years: teenagers (especially of the same sex) often find themselves complicit in order to better league against us, the parents. At this point, they have enough self-esteem to stop entering this game of witches. In addition, they can share buddies and passions (music, sports). Finally, adults, the better one succeeds one's life (professional, sentimental ...) the less one needs to be recognized of the parents.

Tomorrow, all buddies. There is no harm in letting them fight (a little). For to muzzle rival sentiments is, in fact, to prevent the reconciliations which follow. And then, muscular explanations are often better than the unspoken ones that accumulate. At the same time, we do not forget to make nice common memories. When we have had a happy childhood and lived together good times, trips or great holidays in the house of the grandparents, we want, once an adult, to see his brothers again.

Aine, cadet, benjamin ... is this rivalry normal?

Yes. As soon as n ° 2 points the end of its layer, it starts. In the eyes of the great, he is the intruder who dethrone him from his pedestal as a single child, on whom we parents had their eyes fixed. Cataclysm: He is no longer the only one in our hearts. And second frustration: he is asked (or even summed up) to be reasonable and set an example. The younger, however, admired the chief who disdained him, envied his privileges, and sought to gain from them. Small readjustment when n ° 3 landed. This traitor steals his last child's label and propels him to the wrong place, stuck between the 2 children. Then begins rebellion against others to mobilize maternal attention and express its personality. It is because ° 2 feels the least interesting, too young to be like that crater who believes himself perfect, too big to be spoiled like the last one ... Who, he, rattles and fed up: he does not have the he often stays with his siblings for life and is treated as a darling.

Everyone's place: To erase these inequalities, one must know how to recognize each one in his age with its advantages, disadvantages and particular rights. Yes, it's always Mathis, 4 years old who goes under the table to attribute the shares of the galette of kings but it is also he who in the evening must lie down sooner ... While Max, 10 years old, can watch TV. And one favors the times of alliance, as when the elder looks at a cartoon of "small" (which reminds him of his childhood) with the younger ...

Is there an anti-fighter manual?

Yes and no: a sibling where everything is harmony does not exist! Fights are inevitable and even useful: it is an opportunity for everyone to test his strengths and limitations, to learn how to defend his territory and negotiate to rebuff himself. And the loser / winner roles usually alternate. On the other hand, we, parents, remain vigilant to avoid overflowing.

Defuse the war. On a daily basis, they are encouraged to share. The spring of disputes is often the jealousy around a coveted object. By teaching them to exchange their toys ("You lend him your little car and lend you his Playmobils"), they are put on the way of sharing. Moreover, it is useless to deny their anger when they are enervated one against the other. Admitting together that getting along with your family is not necessarily natural can be beneficial for everyone. Finally, we must know how to play mediators after the battle. We listen to the version of each one, we let them empty their bag of recriminations to find concessions and possible arrangements in view of the next fight!

A baby arrives, it is necessarily the cata?

The arrival of a baby in a family is never neutral, but it is mainly the age difference between the children that makes the difference. The shock is less when 6 or 7 years ago. Because when the last one comes out, the big one does not care, he has already gained autonomy and has his little social life outside to compensate. And then the elder has stored memories with his parents (the holidays, his birthdays) that comfort him. On the other hand, the closer the children are in age (2-3 years), the more one is on a powder magazine. They play in the same court and demand the same attention. If one is on our knees, his brother or sister rushes and pulls him by the pants to take his place.

Going on good rails ... Be careful not to point the spotlight on the newborn when it appears and leave the big in the background under the pretext that "there is no time" or that "the baby sleeps ". Next, we must keep in mind that to be reassured, each child needs to exist for himself, to feel unique to our eyes and loved for his own qualities ("As you draw well, you have an imagination! ... And to his sister: "Say, everything you know about animals, where did you learn it?").

Family recomposée, ca change what? The arrival of a half-brother of near age makes the links even more electric. Of course, they can become as strong as in a classical family and a "big" can attach themselves like a madman to his half-sister a few months, but initially they walk on eggs. He may not frame this baby of the new couple who endorses the mourning of the parental couple. Better to play it fine, not to exacerbate the feeling of "abandonment" of the great. We do not forget that he may not be as happy as we are and we do not add to it like "we're going to make a beautiful family, you'll love your half-sister." Exempting him from the obligation to love the child to come is even the best chance that the sauce will take. And then, it is often the baby who by his charm imposes peace and forces the sympathy of the most recalcitrant elder.

Equality at all costs, does it work?

Not sure. To offer exactly the same thing to the children of the same siblings to avoid jealousy is a miscalculation. Even if one gives "all the same", 6 dauphine apples or the same top, brothers and sisters will not stop comparing, to count, will never have enough proofs of love and will always claim more arithmetic equality . On the other hand, we say yes to equity: to give each according to his needs and the moment.

I give what to whom? Ideally, each week (or each day) is given a moment of intimacy for each and explains when it is necessary to spend more time with the other. For example, "Tom is having trouble in class and I have to help him work every night this week." The "it's not fair" of Léo will sound anyway: we understand that he finds it unfair but Sunday, we will go see him play his soccer game. (And we keep his promise because the children claim their due). A half-hour family council can also be set up once a fortnight in which everyone says what they have on their hearts, their complaints and grievances ( "M oi I have to get rid of the table every day since I am the biggest but Marion never does anything, not even her bed "). Everything is thus laid flat, solutions and resolutions noted and if the following week, they are not held, the paper emerges. It helps them gradually to become aware of each other.

What avoiding gaffes not to put oil on the fire?

Compare them. "Your little brother is already making his nights when you have awakened me for a year" or "Your sister is pretty like a heart but you are the intellectual of the family" ... Nothing like to flame jealousy .

To take himself for the gendarme . Knowing rarely the ins and outs of disputes, it is better to avoid taking part, even if to impose a light penalty on everyone.

Push the nail of their misunderstanding. To assert as evidence, "they are bickering all day long", one risks to perpetuate the situation. Better to emphasize the moments when it laughs under the duvet: "You both enjoy yourself!"