1. I give him realistic goals

In sixth, he has trouble in math?
No panic, it has time to progress.

It is sometimes necessary to repeat that at each level nothing is damaged.

The right method?
Short-term objectives, such as in alternative high schools where the discontinuers feature (Federation of innovative public schools, www.fespi.fr).

We take seed: to avoid discouragement among our schoolchildren, we dose the objectives by carving out the final goal into a series of small challenges (within their reach). In concrete terms, we aim first at 8 or 9 out of 20 at the next interview and at the end of the quarter, the average.

How to get there ?
By assessing with him the scope of the work and putting in place a strategy. One can, for example, make an appointment with the teacher and question him: to succeed in this check, he would need to review what? How? Would two hours of private lessons per week be sufficient?

The blundering gaffe: it is better to avoid the impossible demands ("You upgrade in French before the end of the quarter.") It is inhibiting: he could no longer dare to undertake for fear of not being in the height.

2. I anchor it in its successes

A tennis match winning hands down, a cake that delighted her friends ...

It is up to us to remind him of his small victories. And we surf on it, helping him to remember his strategy of then: "You managed to prepare alone dinner for your buddies and you made a tobacco. How did you organize? "," For the 15th in math, you read the statement well, right? He then becomes aware that by being in such an attitude, he succeeds. And on the eve of the talk or the duty on the table, we put a layer!

The trick : make a schedule of successes where every week he scores one. In case of empty passage, to re-dive in is a good return.

3. I dare criticize it (constructively)

It starts small : if he broke a plate by putting the table, we do not jump immediately to the collar.

It is congratulated rather on having tried, and then to clarify: "It would be better if you did not break. Bigger, we practice the "sandwich" criticism.

When we note a negative action, we frame by two positive remarks: "I appreciated that you help me to wash the car, but I remind you that it is the end of the weekend and that you do not have still put away your room. Ah, and again congratulations for the photos you took for the birthday of grandpa. "

The smart formula : criticism must be about behavior or fact and never about personality. Better a "You forgot to pull out the dog" rather than a "You really can not trust you. "

4. I believe in him, from the start

"I trust you, you're going to get there ..." The more he hears this sentence, the more he has a positive view of himself. This is the root of self-esteem. And to move from the Coué method to the reality, it must be empowered.

As Gabriel Cohn-Bendit explains in Pour une autre école (ed. Autrement), at the self-directed high school of Saint-Nazaire that he founded, pupils and teachers share the powers, for example the points of the program to be worked and the moment to do it. At home too, small regular responsibilities in relation to his age make him believe in his abilities and then allow him to face fearlessly new situations.

So, at 10, he can keep his little brother for an hour. And at 14-15 years old, he is enrolled in activities where he may find himself first in rope.

To avoid: set the bar too low! One is still entitled to expect results, that too, it is motivating for him.

5. I coach him at the right time

"I'm spoiled, I'll never get there. Stop! There are times when it must be prevented from being overcome by failure. It is not because he missed a dictation that it is bad. A zero for ten faults is always better than a zero crowning twenty faults, as the previous week. The idea: to make it understand that the note does not necessarily reflect its progress and that sometimes in life, our efforts are rewarded only long after. Without dwelling more than that. A failure is a learning opportunity and serves to move forward.

The boost : enroll in a sophrology workshop so that it gains in calm interior. This relaxation therapy helps the child to de-dramatize. Through playful techniques, he is led to relive a positive situation where he felt good and to dominate a situation that anxiety him. www.sophrologie.com

6. I'm his fan n ° 1

The child or the adolescent is naturally inclined to doubt of himself. So you have to send regular positive signs of recognition, even on small things: "Sympa, your T-shirt! "This hairstyle suits you very well. And, on the academic side, one emphasizes its progress (even tiny): "Your notebooks are much better kept. "
For the first time, he gets 16/20 to his math check? We pay attention ("Bravo, I'm sure it's the beginning of a series of good grades.")

The false good idea: to overvalue it beyond realism ("You are awesome darling!"). This insecure him, he ends up doubting and, ultimately, does not understand why he does not always win at games, or is not always adored by his buddies. Disillusionment may be rough.

7. I do not see in him that a student

So that it does not systematically link skills and academic success. The means: to identify his passions out of school and make him aware of it. He knows how to do hip-hop, he's very good at filming the camcorder ... By reminding him of what we like about him, he is allowed to feel unique and we prove to him that his value and our love do not depend on the notes.

Most: cultivate his talents. He is passionate about mechanics, he draws planes? He was enrolled in a drawing class and taken to the Salon du Bourget.

Thanks to Bruno Hourst, researcher in new pedagogies and author of "I help my child to develop his self-esteem" (eds Eyrolles).